# Tools Explained



## Dwight Ennis (Jan 2, 2008)

Tools explainedDRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you
grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the
top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will
need.


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## denray (Jan 5, 2008)

Dwight
That was great, I own all the tools you mentioned above,







have used most of them the way you described







and the last one has found its way in my shop a couple times too.








Dennis


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## tj-lee (Jan 2, 2008)

Awesome!


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## Dave Meashey (Jan 2, 2008)

Gosh Dwight;

Tonight that last tool wasn't even a tool. It was an Aristo passenger car that was so old that the box actually said REA on it. I was thinking about selling the thing, but when I went to look at it, the smoke jack came off, then I couldn't get it to fit back on those [email protected]#$%^&*! beaded foam end cradles!! I was actually so frustrated that I did kick the box. I would have rather kicked the guy who designed those end cradles, but he is probably in Korea - AND this car is so old that he could be dead by now. Isn't this hobby FUN!?

Yours,
David Meashey


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## RIrail (May 5, 2008)

I loved this list, as a matter of fact the "SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL" often doubles as the project I am using the other tools to work on. 

Watch those fingers! 
Steve


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## stanman (Jan 4, 2008)

Very clever!


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## Mik (Jan 2, 2008)

Not on your list, but one I have experienced most often with lately is the K-Ziiiing Tool.... It is any tool that your children have borrowed. So named because of the unique sound it makes when you find it again.... with the lawnmower.


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## Mike O (Jan 2, 2008)

Dwight, 

This is very useful. I have received some of the described tools for birthday/Christmas/father's day gifts but rarely have had the opportunity to used them as described. Now that I know I will endeavor to persevere in learning their proper use. 

Mike


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## ORD23 (Jan 2, 2010)

Was that you in my garage the other day. I could have sworn I heard my "Son of a Bitch" tool being put to use! 

Ed


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## Pete Chimney (Jan 12, 2008)

Dwight

i believe it is spelled skil saw. Only one L.

In fact it does take some skill to use a skill saw but a skil saw can be used by any fool to create short pieces of wood and massive mounds of saw dust.


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## livesteam53 (Jan 4, 2008)

Dwight, 

Yup you got the tool list correct. Have used most of them many times over the year. I know you meant to type SKIL Saw. Probably the smoke got in your eyes while typing......LOL


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## Dwight Ennis (Jan 2, 2008)

I didn't type it... it was an email I copied and pasted. It's been around for a while now, but it never fails to crack me up. I just got it again and figured I'd share it.


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## hcampbell (Jan 2, 2008)

With power tools you have to remember noise and sawdust (or chips) are the prime objective, all else is mere by product. 

Harvey C.


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## caferacer (Jul 22, 2010)

To day I used the S.O.B.tool along with the Jesus C hrist tool found out my lathe jaws are not 100% centered correctly and the gear linkage is just a tad out of alinement will have to start again, my wife no"s when something is wrong cause the dog come"s inside ,so she brought me a nice cup of tea she spoke nicely to me about growing up and to stop yelling at the machinery because it will hurt their feelings lesson learned .Still the SOB fault caferacer


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## wchasr (Jan 2, 2008)

I can add in the chop saw or the cut off saw (compound miter saw) that will make lots of saw dust while cutting pieces too short or too long but never right. 

I spent some time this week cutting up plastic trim board from HD for spacer blocks and learned to let the blade stop completely after plunging becasue otherwise it would pick the piece I jsut cut and launch it around the tin garage.....anyone remember Ricochet Rabbit?....Ping PING PING...


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## Cougar Rock Rail (Jan 2, 2008)

Thanks for the laugh Dwight! 

Where I grew up, working on the gravel crushers we had a couple of terms we used a lot: 
1) "Time for a pursuader" - time for the big sledge hammer, 
2) "Time for the 5/8 wrench" - time to cut it off with the torch! 

Keith


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## Dwight Ennis (Jan 2, 2008)

I can add in the chop saw or the cut off saw While making the water lines for my 1-1/2" scale 4-4-0, I was cutting lengths with the Micro-Mark chop saw. The material was 1/4 and 5/16 thick wall brass tube sold by PM Research as "scale pipe." I had worn my abrasive cutoff wheel' diameter down to a point where it wouldn't cut all the way through, and while waiting for new ones, I substituted the saw blade that came with the chop saw. 

As it cut through the thick top part and came to the point where it was just cutting the walls, the saw would jam. In order to better control the pressure and saw's depth of cut, I decided to support the underside as well. Big mistake. I ended up sticking my finger in the saw blade. Didn't go too deep, but if gave me a nice cut that bleed with a wide kerf that bleed like a stuck pig and took two weeks to heel. 

While I didn't throw anything across the room, that day the saw was my SOB tool!


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## Mik (Jan 2, 2008)

Dwight... saw blades in dremels are just plain dangerous, you're lucky it didn't try to run up your arm... 

In other news, I managed to get my thumb between the keyless collet and the body on my sawzall while trying to convince it to start cutting ON the line.... Must have smashed it 10 or 15 strokes in the time it took me to drop the saw.... End of my thumb looked like hamburger, still looks funny 3 weeks later, and has a spot with no feeling. I always feel about as much shame as pain when I do something stupid like that because I DO know better.


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## Dwight Ennis (Jan 2, 2008)

It wasn't a Dremel Mik - it was a Micro-Markchop saw...










except it had a 107 tooth blade in it instead of the abrasive cutoff wheel shown.


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## Mik (Jan 2, 2008)

Dwight, I got a piece of 4" round (solid) steel that I need to cut off... think that thing is up to the task? Those 'thick metal' sawzall blades sure aren't. -- I have two with no or rounded teeth now. 

I'mma thinking maybe one of those diamond/carbide abrasive blades that go in a circular saw might work?... unless I twitch and it shatters.


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## Dwight Ennis (Jan 2, 2008)

I have one of those Micro-Mark portable band saws for cutting thick stuff...








Plus at work, we have a big (15" blade) cutoff saw for metals.

If I were you, I'd take it someplace and have it cut. You could buy a cold saw blade for your chop saw (if your saw is big enough to cut 4") but it would cost you over $100 bucks.


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## Torby (Jan 2, 2008)

Oh! 

When I saw your thread title, I hoped that's what it was. 

I should manage to stop laughing before bedtime. 

(How many have done the jack thing?)


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## Dan Pantages (Jan 2, 2008)

The Tools have been explained so here is a place to use them. 

GARAGE COMMANDMENTS 

1. The garage shall be forever kept as the sacred realm of the Man. Neither lacy curtains nor gingham privacy panels shall be allowed on the windows of the sacred garage. 

2. The garage shall not be cleaned, except in cases of extreme need, such as when a pair of holy Vise-Grip locking pliers hath gone missing. 

3. Sawdust, grease, and oil are the holy sacraments of the garage, and thus must never be disposed of in haste or with malice. 

4. Honor thy rags. 

5. Complaineth not when the Man's Friends cometh over to work on a four-wheel-drive vehicle on a Thursday night until 2:00 a.m. Be thee grateful that the Man and his Friends are not attending stimulating performances of voluptuous harlots at Shotgun Willies on this evening. 

6. Thou shalt not remove the beer bottles from the front yard before work in the garage hath yet been completed. Yea, the front yard must be considered an extension of the garage when the garage door remaineth in an upright and horizontal position. 

7. Honor the Man and his Friends at all times, even when one of these Friends dropeth a heavy steel truck wheel in the driveway at 12:30 a.m., awakening thyself and wrathful neighbors who calleth to complain. 

8. Storeth not antique dollhouses in the garage. 

9. Thou shalt not ask the Man to bring in the groceries when you see that his hands are greasy, or that he is underneath a car working on the evil U-joint. 

10. Adjust not the volume of music that playeth in the garage. Impose not your questionable music tastes on those who savor the druidic chant of Rage Against The Machine at 11 p.m. 

11. Borroweth not the hammer of the Man, which hangeth in position on the blessed pegboard. If thou breakest this commandment, at least have the courtesy to place the hammer back in correct position on the blessed pegboard. No, putting it on the workbench isn't good enough---how wouldst the man know to looketh there? 

12. Tools of the garage shouldst remain in the garage at all times, excepting when the Man shall use them for home repair, in which case the sacred tools must remain wherever the Man leaves them, verily including even the kitchen counter and the upstairs hallway. 

13. Leaveth not the tools of the Man on the back porch, lest they become rusty from rain. 

14. Loaneth not the tools of the Man to your fishy work friends who hath not earned tools of their own. 

15. Pulleth not your car into the garage whilst a repair doth transpire in the other bay. The space is needed for many great deliberations and ritual beer drinking. Considereth any snow removal that may be required from your vehicle the next morning as a small penance to pay in comparison to the bloody knuckles, hangover, and bodily suffering borne by the Man. 

16. Closeth the trashcan at all time, lest the stinking odor of cat poop foul the air. 

17. Covet not the eleven Phillips head screwdrivers on the Man's pegboard, and cast not thy insults on the Man's need for additional screwdrivers in the future. Each screwdriver serves a unique, substitution-impossible purpose. 

18. Thou shalt not remove the multitude of straightened, oddly formed, spray-paint-encrusted coat hangers dangling from the garage ceiling. Resist the temptation to dispose of these humble tools, and your rewards shall include a freshly painted iron planter---as soon as the Man finishes working on his bike, car or four-wheel-drive vehicle, of course. 

19. Maintaineth a minimum of six yo-yo's (retracting tape rulers), or findeth not one when needed. 

20. A man's worth shall be measured by the number of cans of partially used spray paint on his shelves. However, the Man will never have the right color for the job at hand. 

21. Obey the Flat Surface Rule. Always put down the tool you are using on the nearest flat surface. Then look for it elsewhere---stopeth for a beer when discouraged. 

22. Respect the large piece of cardboard against the garage wall. The Man useth it to lie on when he is under the car. Touch it not, lest lightning strike thee dead. 

23. I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air impact wrench in thy own garage. 

24. Thou shalt love the smell of grease as thou loveth thyself. 

25. Take not the name of GOJO Crème Formula hand cleaner in vain, especially in the fruity lemon scent.


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## noelw (Jan 2, 2008)

Posted By Dwight Ennis on 15 Aug 2010 09:57 PM 
I didn't type it... it was an email I copied and pasted. It's been around for a while now, but it never fails to crack me up. I just got it again and figured I'd share it.









*That is a great list.. 
That last one on our list was my fist tool that my Dad gave me. 
He was a truck drive in the 30th's and used it well. I got the idea of the tool first hand.. laf..








Neat list and that fig's comming from you. DwighI..Keep it up.







*


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