# Houston Chugga Chugga Chili Fest



## jfrank (Jan 2, 2008)

The Houston Area Small Scale Live Steamers(HASSLS) will be meeting at the Houston Area Live Steamers(Hals) Gauge One track at Zube Park in Hockley, Texas on Saturday, February 28th in conjunction with their annual Chili Fest. Come visit us if you can. 

http://www.hals.org/


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## markoles (Jan 2, 2008)

I was going to add a joke about gas fired locomotives at a chili fest, but thought it would stink up this thread..


Have a good time! 

Mark


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## CCSII (Jan 3, 2008)

Bean there, done that.


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## Dwight Ennis (Jan 2, 2008)

*Texas Chili Contest
* For those of you who have lived in Texas , you
know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster 
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for  directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
*
*Judge # 1* -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

*Judge # 2* -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

*Judge # 3* (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the **** is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to quench the 
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


*CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

* *Judge # 1* -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

*Judge # 2* -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

*Judge # 3* -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted 
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they 
saw the look on my face.


*CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

* *Judge # 1* -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

*Judge # 2* -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

*Judge # 3* -- Call the EPA - I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more 
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in 
the front part of my chest. I'm getting wasted from all of the beer.


*CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

* *Judge # 1* -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

*Judge # 2* -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

*Judge # 3* -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, 
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting 
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


*CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER..* 
*Judge # 1* -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

*Judge # 2* -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

*Judge # 3* -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can 
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed 
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili 
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring 
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. 
Screw those ********.


*CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...* 
* Judge # 1* -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

*Judge # 2* -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
*Judge # 3* -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will 
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except 
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow 
cone.


*CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

* *Judge # 1* -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

*Judge # 2* -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili 
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried 
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing 
uncontrollably.

*Judge # 3* -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't 
feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made 
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during 
the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing... it's 
too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll 
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


*CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...* 
*Judge # 1* -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but 
spicy enough to declare its existence.

*Judge # 2* -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. 
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,fell 
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it, poor feller. Wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
*Judge # 3* - No Report


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## Great Western (Jan 2, 2008)

Highly entertaining Dwight. Thanks for enlightening us non-Texans.









I'm not planning to visit Texas in the near future but if I do I must make a note not to visit San Antonia and seek directions, particularly when there is a Chili Contest taking place.

Incidentally chillies are favored highly in Indonesia and parts of the Far East. It is said that mosquitoes don't bite if you eat chillies regularly.


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## jfrank (Jan 2, 2008)

OMG Dwight. I just sat here and lmao. That was great. I don't think any of our chili can compete with that.


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## pete (Jan 2, 2008)

Dwight that's damn funny i don't care what anyone says.


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## noelw (Jan 2, 2008)

*Same as Pete.. I'm still laf.. Dwight That's..........Darn Funny....







*


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## Jim Shutt (Jan 2, 2008)

Dwight, 
Several members of SAGRES also serve as judges in the local area cook-offs. I plan to be in Houston next Saturday to try out their versions. There can only be one perfect bowl of red, 
and I haven't found it yet. Close, but I'm keeping the cigar that Kinky gave me. 
Jim Shutt 
SAGRES


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## Del Tapparo (Jan 4, 2008)

I never use "LOL" or "LMAO". But in this case I am, and that was just hysterical ! I love it!


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